Day 8 - Sun 22nd Mar - Jeremy

Bookies sniper nest, pissed up Moldovans, disabled zombies and Yogi Bear homo erotica.

A late WhatsApp conversation last night with Milky and we have agreed to setup a snipers nest on top of the local bookies with panoramic views of the local supermarket. This should enable us to take pot shots at the bog paper wankers…considering coming up with a bespoke name for these arseholes. Twankers? Bumshits? Dick weasels? ….must give this some serious consideration to a suitable moniker. Maybe it’s just cunts?

The reservoir..

A beautiful spring morning for Mother’s day, we all popped around to deliver a card to Nan and Gran then headed off to Derwent reservoir for a tramp.

As in a walk and not a piss stained alcoholic lying in a door way. If you’ve never been it’s a lovely place despite the large contingent of Moldovans (?) getting pissed up and littering beer bottles into the shoreline. No real idea if they were Moldovan but they had that sort of look, plus there are very few Moldovans in my social circle so the chances of offence being taken are remote.

Good highbrow conversations with the kids and large high browed scarred foreheads on the Moldovans. What’s the king of non-chocolate biscuits? It’s the Jammie Dodger by the way, although the traditional custard cream runs it pretty close. Regaled the wains with stories from the war insisting that custard creams were the only food available for months on end….this may have been a lie.

Back from the reservoir dropped in to help wife’s sister fit a windscreen wiper, was paid in toilet paper which was a first. This was followed up with a small fire to keep up the man skills. Just call me Bear Apocalypse.

General Boris update 1.5 million people who are most at risk will receive a letter on Tuesday – I don’t want a letter but reckon it’s 50/50 due to my immune suppression drugs that keep my psoriasis under control. Still a letter from the PM, a man I suspect is completely numb around the genital area. It would be good to meet him some day and get the inside track on this whole pandemic, if you’re reading this Boris we should definitely catch up, I’ll see you at quarter past fuck off.

Had another wander around Jellystone Park that is currently at unprecedented levels of footfall for this time of the year. Stopped and had a twenty minute chat with an old guy, he seems in good health and had been going to Asda regularly so as “not to bother people,” he seemed a little lonely, do hope he’s okay and best of luck to the guy. We all get old so take the time to look after and to speak with the coffin dodgers. They're normally quite funny and know a fuck load more than you think.

Jellystone Park is not the correct title but is being used to retain anonymity, after all I’m smarter than the average bear. Just know that this is a lovely country park within fifty metres of my house covering 1000’s of acres, whatever the fuck they are. Last time I had a couple of acres was when an errant toddler targeted my plumbs. It’s also in homage to the hat wearing picnic thief Yogi Bear, obvs. Always suspicious of his relationship with Boo Boo, felt like it had a touch of homo eroticism about the whole relationship, which is fine. What two male tie loving bears get up to in their own cave is none of my business. Suspect Boo Boo plays daddy and Yogi spends a lot of time with a cue ball in his mouth. Ranger Smith looks on knocking one out in the corner while fingering his own bottom and screaming encouragement. There has to be an episode of “Yogi Bear uncut” in there somewhere.

Since this all began my wife and daughter have spent a lot of time staring aimlessly through the front window, I really will have to let them in at some point…….boom! Prenez soin de vos aînés, ce sera vous un jour. Restez en sécurité!

**Injury time update, my brother has forgotten to call for mother’s day…….ha-ha silly bollicks he’s in trouble, serves him right for grassing me up when a dart was launched in his trotter.

#Pandemic #DirtyYogi #DaveApocalypse