Day 26 - Thu 9th Apr - Out of Shape James Bond

Paris Hilton gets some stick, origins of durg, Hugh Hefners birthday…

Get ready to shit your pants! There is a new theory to explain what’s wrong with the **durg. Tell me more you say, the theory is, and this could be a Lee Harvey Oswald-esque longshot, he has low self-esteem. He understands English but cannot respond in kind, therefore when as a family we are discussing his stupidity he gets upset and cries. It would certainly explain a lot, although the alternate is that we have just ended up with the Paul Gascoigne of the dog world. Now that I’ve re-read that theory….it’s complete bollix isn’t it?

Being thick is very similar to being dead, everyone else knows about it except yourself. Rant alert! Since the turn of the 20th century there seems to have been a trend to admire and make stupid people famous. The only explanation for this is a combination of the following: a sheltered generation of little substance with no concept of foregoing instant gratification coupled with the rise and influence of social media. To highlight this I’d like to use the fantastic example of humanity that is Paris Hilton and in no way is she a waste of a good dollop of spunk that would have been better running down the inside leg of her mommy, "No, no, I didn’t go to England, I went to London." That being said leaking a video of her blowing a bloke off in order to “raise her profile” was master stroke (pun intended), maybe she is just a genius with flexible morality and not as stupid as a first glance would lead you to believe.

**durg – Adjective: A below intelligence dog. Origin: Mispronunciation of Doug, reference to Douglas Barder who regularly forgot where he had left his legs. Example: “Awww is that my baby Durg, does the Durg want some cheese, does Durg love his daddy.” Durg pisses on the floor.

Will this journal ever be published either online or in print, it feels like a series of blogs stitched together so I’m considering releasing online…..wonder what the crack is with using images from the interweb as to be honest this stream of brain consciousness transformed into scribe isn’t half as good without my sub-standard pictorial creations. Not in any way actually saying this is a good read by the way - but it is very cathartic.

Saville update – 750+ people robbed of their lives today that’s a total of 7978 that are brown bread due to this little fucker, just re-read that, didn’t mean it to come across as flippant but more as an alternate to writing depressing words or terms to represent ones passing. No offence intended and remember when life gives you melons you might be dyslexic!

Porn Birthday Chums!

Had a quick look at famous people born on this day and would you believe both Hugh Heffner and Jenna Jameson appeared on this planet on the 9th April, so not only did they share bodily fluids at his mansion but they also share the day they turned up on this rock. That’s allegedly btw - you’d expect their genitals to have crossed at one of the playboy parties. Suspect Hugh’s current situation reflects that of Rupert Murdoch - described a few days ago. Still hats off to a man who became a multi-millionaire staying at home in his pyjama’s, it’s not as easy as it looks it’s certainly not working out as successfully for yours truly.

We’ve participated in 20:00 NHS thing and it was a much better turn out in the street, a couple of fireworks, both neighbours and people who live directly opposite were doing their best seal impressions. Mentioned to them that it’s been while since they dropped a bottle of booze off for me, they thought I was joking, they were wrong. Earlier today hardware was delivered to my home to commence a couple of projects, expect more exciting details to be revealed in the coming days, anyway speaking to the neighbours the transcript went like this.

Female Neighbour on the right: “Eeee I nearly shit a brick when that white van pulled up fast onto your drive”

Dave A: “Why?”

FNOR: “I immediately thought it was special branch and that you’d been caught doing something ridiculous..”

This did make me laugh, it is strange how neighbours perceive you on the outside and what their sub-conscious immediately surfaces to the top of their brains. Quite proud of the statement really, having given it no thought whatsoever, makes me feel a little bit dangerous, a little bit on the edge - no wonder my wife can’t keep her hands off me. It’s like living with a pit villages version of James Bond, if James Bond had let himself go a bit and developed an alcohol dependency.. oh and was shit at fighting..

Time to sign off but I’m pleased I've just clapped the nurse, it feels although it’s the least I can do as the last nurse I knew gave me the clap. Boom boom…I'm here all week.... adios tipos!

#Pandemic #FamousIdiots #FatBond #DaveApocalypse