Day 15 - Sun 29th Mar - Dragoons Den

Party cancellation, a misunderstanding in Portugal, work in the community and helping the visually challenged.

Well today the expectation was to be nursing a hangover from hell after my birthday party linked to my all round lack of self-control. I’m not known generally for this character trait and feel ashamed if a medal position is not achieved (at the very least) in the drunkest person at the party award ceremony. Not always the winner as there are Olympic level participants in my close circle. My good friend Brows is normally on the scene and our competitive nature can sometimes end up in high shenanigans – the wives don’t generally approve. Flaming Sambuca's, absinthe, hedge diving, slap fights the usual stuff long standing friends all enjoy together and from these nights are memories made.

Who wants to sit in the sunny window at the care home with a bit of potato hanging off their bottom lip recalling all of the times they went to bed early? Not I. We also have an agreement in place that whoever pops their clogs first the other one will get pissed on cheap cider and dance on their grave. This feels sweet and endearing to me but the last time I tried this the grieving family took offence. Political correctness gone mad, I tell thee.

There are a couple of good WhatsApp groups on the go – one with a few of the lads and one with a group of complete strangers. Let me explain, the reason for my fitness regime over the last couple of months was to ensure I wasn’t embarrassed when stepping onto the pitch at the Stadium of Light. We were going to play a match on the sacred turf and an invite was provided via Shorty. A nice chap but he seems to be losing his shit a bit on Facebook about the whole situation, like quite a lot of people actually. As a kid he was a great passer of the ball but not so hot on headers or tackling – anyway I digress. We were all to start training together in advance of the match on May 22nd so a WhatsApp group was setup hence now in regular contact with thirty-two strangers with nothing in common other than a game of football which will no longer take place. The memes and videos are all pretty good and they do seem like a decent bunch.

There’s now been 1200+ deaths in the UK due to the pandemic which is a long way from ideal and there are murmurings we could be on lockdown for six months. If that turns out to be the case then this could turn out to be my book, which I always intended to write in my retirement sunning myself on a balcony somewhere nice and warm – preferably Portugal.

A misunderstanding in Portugal...

As it stands my first stab at literary greatness will be produced sitting at my dining table trying to find ten minutes quiet here and there. This was not the envisaged dream. Portugal is a beautiful place with lovely people but they seem to be chewing on the shitty end of the stick with regards to the virus. Wonder when the borders will open and holidays can continue? As the summer jaunt abroad is something that is a real highlight of the year for most people. Enjoying the foreign culture sitting in the Red Lion eating burgers while watching re-runs of “Only Fools and Horses” really does allow you to feel like one of the locals. The last time we went to Portugal there was a bit of an “incident”. Whilst lazing around the pool my wife asked me to spray her back, bit of a misunderstanding and the fine handed out from the local constabulary was eye watering.

The wife made a Sunday dinner today (shudders!) which was a lovely gesture particularly as we dropped one off for her uncle who lives alone and has been in isolation for a few weeks now. Personally the chicken sandwich was the top end of my risk appetite and yet the kids assure me that her culinary skills are on an upward trajectory. I’ll bide my time before I enter that arena again, the rice bolognaise still lies heavy on my soul. Bless her she really does try.

Do a lot of work in the community, but obviously don’t like to talk about it..

A couple of other things, the footy coach that tolerates my “help”, for the inquisitive amongst you, I "assist" in the running of a teenage footy team that my son plays for, granted this mainly involves me standing in the freezing cold on a Wednesday night at training occasionally having the ball blasted in my direction and trying not to swear on a Saturday morning. See I do help the local community! The knighthood should inevitably be on its way in the next honours list. Anyway, the coach has asked us to put some footage together of receive ball, do trick and pass on. This will be stitched together into video similar to the adidas promo of the early noughties but with more teen angst and spots. Should be canny.

We’ve found a new route to the local garage which is a much more isolated and pleasant walk, if you disregard the empty cans of Monster and used condoms that adorn the track in the woods. Wandering along the path my thoughts turned to how this is affecting people with disabilities, in particular blind people. How the fuck are you meant to keep your distance two metres if you can’t see anyone. They need some sort of Bluetooth distance alert that can be attached to their dog when out and about, link it to their phone and there you go you have some sort of alerting app, this knighthood is literally a slam dunk…..Dragoons Den here I come!

Yes you read that correctly it’s like Dragons den but is attended solely by 16th century dragoons mounted on their horses who have made their money in a variety of ways: Major Thomas (made his money after pushing his affluent wife down a well), Colonel Flip Flop (Visionary inventor of the flip flop) Sir Charles Charlie Charles (Old money) Brigadier Ronseal Flange-lips (Actually a butch lesbian and made her money in wood protection)……………and this scenario hasn’t come about due to a typo with my sausage fingers on my cheap Chinese keyboard.

This is not to mean that I condone poking fun at people with disabilities and particularly the blind as it must be a right bastard. There is a special place in my ears for Stevie Wonder and a special place in my heart for Long John Silver who suffered with multiple physical challenges, although if you go around plundering ships it kind of comes with the territory.

If you ever see someone struggling with a disability reach out and offer help, they may not want it, but trust me you’ll feel better about yourself afterwards regardless of the outcome. Who knows you might make someone’s day that little bit brighter! Auxilium invicem et sentire felix!

#Pandemic #DragoonsDen #KnighthoodPending #DaveApocalypse